Is this cold feet or just a winter of discontent?

Hello!  And I suppose Happy New Year!  I am lacking in a desk calendar right now so I’m a bit lost as to what day it actually is.

I realise I have not blogged in about 2 months.  I think I was probably disheartened, being the comment whore that I am, that no one commented on my last post about finally finding my wedding dress.  That and the fact that I’ve run out of steam and inspiration again for the wedding.

It’s now 2012.  The year we get married.  We got engaged just over a year ago.  This time last year, we were in the throes of finding a venue and ultimately realising we couldn’t afford a wedding.  Fast forward a year, I’m in the throes of second thoughts about the venue and ultimately realising we can’t afford a wedding.  Nice.

I should be excited but I'm bricking it, we have what, 4 months or so to find nearly £15k. HOW? HOW HOW HOW? We're already making a list of what we're going to cut - band, sweetie table, flowers, house for the week (and just spend two nights in a hotel) etc. Nice huh!

I think our flowers are sorted, my mum knows a florist but it was quite hard getting across to her what I really wanted and most of my ideas where shot-down. Nevermind,.  Apparently I don’t want lilac roses or gerbera’s or hydrangea’s, “Because they’re the wrong purple and are not ‘vintage’”.  It took me a good 20 minutes to get a word in and tell her I didn’t want a vintage wedding, it just so happened that my dress was a vintage style.  Might have to go back in a few weeks and put my foot down on what I want.

My dad is going to attempt to make our cake. We saw an image in a wedding cake magazine and I just said, "That's the one".   I’m pleased he wants to make it (well, that said, I think it’s going to work out cheaper to buy pre-made cakes and then my dad will just decorate them).  But it means we can have what we want without the ridiculous price tag (no offence cake makers, I cannot afford £400 on a CAKE!!)

Andy finally asked his Best Man last week, so that’s good news and only took him a year to the day from our engagement!  Think he’s going to sort out suiting in the next month or so.

I need to find shoes and underwear and a bolero by the end of March for my prospective dress fitting.

I sat awake for a good hour lastnight worrying about logistics; how to get my great Aunt there, where can she stay, how will we get the cake there, will the cake be okay as my dad will have to put it together on the Friday night, do I get dad to put it together after the ceremony, do we get the caterer to put it together, whose car are we going in, do we need to hire a car, am I going to end up travelling gypsy boy style in the back of my dad’s Transit?  On and on and on and on these questions went round and round and round.  It wore me out thank fuck so I eventually fell asleep, but still, it was just awful. 

I’ve been back at work two days now and have achieved shit all because I’ve been worrying about the wedding.  I start looking at other venues, before I remind myself it really will be cheaper this way, it really will be the day we want, even if we are getting married between two toilet doors….  Yes, really, this is a HUGE stress of mine, and I’m really considering throwing my toys out of the pram and telling them that I want to get married in the upper barn – even if that means it’s all hands on deck to get the tables laid post ceremony.  ARGH!!  Then, I keep thinking, should we have just got married up here in the local registry office on the Friday?  Should we have just got married in the registry office in Chichester?  Should we have just got married in VEGAS?!!!!

To be honest, I'm a bit too pre-occupied with lots of other things to be that interested in the wedding at the minute, how depressingly sad is that? I should be super excited, but I'm just not, because I feel like I've made the wrong decision with all of it so far and ultimately, we can’t afford any of it.

I’m sure my parents will read this and weep.  Yes, I’m sorry, I am sounding like a bridezilla and I cannot thank the two of you enough for the support you’ve given so far.  Do not think for one minute that I don’t appreciate it, I just feel terribly stuck with it all (it’s probably not helping that our boiler broke yesterday, eating our last £300 for the month, and so all I’m dreaming about is payday, even though, as soon as payday comes, we have to save save save, or rather, pay the photographer off and save the rest.)  And I know everyone involved in this is bricking it about money as much as we are.  Whatever happens, we will have a wedding, Andy and I will be married, and so I just need to tell myself that, and everyone else involved needs to stop worrying.  Who cares if we have to have an iPod instead of the band, who cares if I have shoes from BHS instead of Vivienne Westwood? 

I tell you half the problem.  Wedding blogs.  And I don’t like to drag up conversations/arguments/rants from last year but it’s true.  I look at other weddings on wedding blogs and I find it really hard to compete.  Like my wedding is a fucking competition.   It’s OUR wedding day.  Why should I care about gratification from blog readers/writers?  Why am I so goddamn needy for attention?!

Anyway, rant over, my back hurts, I have another day of nothing to show for having sat at my desk since 7:30am and I have to take Scarlett to the Dr’s as we’re getting sleepless nights with her whimpering all night long.