Fucking rugby

Just fucking grrr right now. Wimped out at training, was soaking wet ad covered in mud and i'd just had enough. One of the girls kept trying to fucking up-end me and I was having none of it. She was only fucking doing it because she though it'd be funny to see us go down in the mud whilst she stood there. I told her not to and she got the arse at me, "We all have to go down Aay-mee", with another piping up "It's gonna happen sooner or later," and "It'll happen in a match."

Well I don't fucking care. Going down in matches is fine, you expect it, you're playing for something, you have a mission. When it's pissing down in training, it's not fucking worth it. I'm fucking knackered, this shift pattern at work is doing my head in and I just wasn't in the fucking mood to spend all night in the mud. Call me a wimp, call me a stupid girl, call me whatever, I don't fucking care, I was not in the mood. So I stormed off in tears.

The captain said that she had been really proud of me in every match that I've played in so far and she didn't care what happened at training, because she knew I played my best in the matches. She said I take tackles and show less fear than others. Which seems to contradict what some of the other girls were saying to me earlier, "You need to carry on going, don't always stop." We're meant to be a team, but I don't feel like I'm part of the team, I feel like an outsider, that I'm not cool enough, that I'm not cut out for it. Why do they have to be so mean?

In the 3 or so months that I've been on the team, this is the first time I've genuinely felt like quitting and have felt this low. I havn't generally felt this low in a long time. I dunno. My fish looks sad, poor thing.

I've been working like a dog....

Ah dear, been busy busy this week. Started at Zavvi on Monday, going well so far, although I did feel like shit on Monday but I think that's just due to the fact that I'm not used to working yet, I've been sitting on my arse for 3 months!! Not looking forward to tomorrow, Saturday shoppers, oh dear!!!

Am watching Hard Day's Night which was the first of my staff discount purchases along with the Anton Corbijn DVD (video director), which doesn't look too good but it adds to my directors DVD collection. Gosh, the noise of those girls screaming at the Beatles, it's just nuts. Working at Zavvi is rather dangerous though, I keep seeing things I really want, Family Guy seasons 1-6 for £75 for example, or the Blackadder boxset, or Mary Poppins and the Jungle book (which I'm going to buy Andy for Christmas - what a big kid!)

Nothing else has happened lately really, just working. Parents lent me the money for my missed loan payment so that's sorted but I feel very guilty. Am a bit fed up of being skint, back at £2450 on my credit card, which is shite, I would've bought a Wii today had I had £180 on it, arse!

Money makes the world go round... unfortunately

For fucks sake, how desperate for money must Northern Rock be if they have to call me at 8.30 on a Saturday morning to ask for a £30 charge, that in my sleep fuelled haze, I tried to pay with an empty bank account. That's just stupid, why not call people at a sensible time so they can answer the call efficiently?! Wankers.

I'm so brassic right now. I'm so fucking annoyed at myself for not trying harder to get a job. Why why why why didn't I just sign on 3 months ago? Technically I've had a job for the last 3 weeks, but they've just taken their sweet time in getting everyone started. And why did I go away at the weekend? I couldn't really afford that, and it might have meant that I started at Zavvi/Virgin 2 weeks ago. And now my mum wants to go through my accounts with me so I (and she) knows what I've got going in and coming out each month. At this rate I feel like I'm gonna have to sell the car, go back to pay as you go mobile and become a nun!

And I can't really get annoyed at him, but he does sit on his arse quite a lot, I bought Andy new trainers and clothes to go away with, and now it's me that really needs new trainers for work and I can't afford them. Something needs to happen with his situation because the amount they're expected to live on is shameful. Jesus, this just all makes me feel very very depressed.

If you read all this, have a gold star

So, wonderful Amsterdam. Am on a real holiday comedown. Just really do not want to be back, want to still be in the massive Executive Suite we got upgraded to, watching crappy MTV shows and laughing at Dutch accents (sorry, I can't help it) Flight out was perfect, and getting upgraded was totally the icing on the cake! Can't actually remember what we did on Friday, went to the Winston for a burger and a drink, then back to the hotel for a big smoke and I think that was it!!

Saturday got up and went to Barney's Uptown for breakfast which was yummy! Went for a walk around the Noordermarkt because I wanted to see if we could find a cine camera but had no luck. Went on the Woonboot Museum (My Dutch spelling is awful by the way, in English Woonboot = Houseboat) which was interesting, Andy blatantly trying to chat up the girl behind the counter (So, do you live on a houseboat?) Like he gave a shit, he hates the idea of a houseboat!

Then we went to a museum called Electric Ladyland, the first museum of fluorescent art. It was crazy, run by this ageing hippy, and I mean hippy, American with a real Jimi Hendrix obsession, I've never met anyone like him before. So anyway, this place was crazy, with inspiration from Hinduism and stuff, I took some photos but I'm not sure how good they are! Half the 'museum' (for museum read, shop basement) looked like LSD puke and the other half was all rock and other fluro stuff from back in the day, was actually really really interesting, and he takes you down there privately, so it was just me and Andy in this basement with the hippy, wish we'd been stoned, I would've stayed all day! But it was good, I genuinely felt like I'd learnt something, and it was cool just to meet a real hippy-type! He kept saying stuff like, that's trippy shit man!

Then Saturday night we had tickets to the annual Museumnacht, where 40 odd museums in the city open between 7pm and 2am and put on special displays and tours and stuff, plus free transport throughout the city, which we took advantage of, getting on the metro instead of walking 300 metres! So we queued to get into the Artis Zoo which was kinda cool I guess, seeing the lions in the dark was the best bit. Then we went to Hortus Botanicus, which Andy loved being a tree hugger. Then we went for dinner at Cafe Bern, yummy yummy fondue! We headed to the Filmmuseum on the outskirts of the Vondelpark as you could get married for one night, but there was a massive queue and you had to dress up and it was all slightly naff looking so we left and Andy dubbed us man and wife in front of a rather stinky pond - how romantic!

Back to the hotel for more smokage and sexage. Watched the Descent as well which was kinda scary and whilst flicking saw the video for a track by a Swedish artist called Trentemoller, the song's called "Moan", you have to go watch the video on YouTube, it's based on the story of Laika, and I can't help but cry everytime I see it. I just feel so sad and hear the words, "Laika died within a few hours of stress and overheating" in my head, it just makes me feel so so sad, like I know, science and all that bullshit, but poor little doggy. The lyrics fit so perfectly with what you can only imagine Laika might have been thinking, (Yes, I have a Laika obsession.)

Sunday was our two year anniversary type thing so we ordered breakfast to be delivered to our room but when Andy answered the door he decided the tray was too big for him to manage and asked the fella to put it on the bed, where I was naked, thanks Andy, so I had to pull the duvet up to my nose and lie very still! But that was yummy, seemingly Dutch people eat bread with chocolate spread and chocolate sprinkles, like, what the hell?! Anyway, we lazed around and had breakfast then got ready and headed back to the zoo as we could get free entry to one of the museums participating in Museumnacht, so we did that, which was kinda fun. I gave Andy the space pen which I decided to just get engraved with "AF loves AH". My anniversary present was a stuffed elephant from the zoo, which is so soft and snuggly.

Went to the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner, which I'm wondering whether it will turn into a yearly occurance as we went to the Hard Rock in London for our anniversary last year. We decided that when/if (though mostly when) we get married, we'll stay in the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, then spend a fortnight in an apartment in Amsterdam, then a week on a beach. Dreams.

Then yesterday we got up and checked out and were strolling round the town when this siren started going off, it freaked the shit out of me. Everyone else was just being really normal and ignoring it, but sirens and alarms really freak me out for some reason, sense of impending doom I think, even if I know it's just a test. So anyway, it turns out that on the first Monday of every month at 12noon the Netherlands tests all it's sirens. Wish we'd known! Anyway, after that little episode, we got the tram to the Heineken Experience only to discover that it's closed for refurbishment until next May - bastards. So we just got the vlaamse frites with fritesaus and chilled on a canal boat for the rest of the day.

Flight back was a bit bumpy which I didn't like much. Then got shouted at by some rude foreign bloke at the airport for taking a few seconds extra at the ticket machine trying to get the cheapest and correct tickets - fucking impatient twat. Then we got on the wrong train.... 3 times! So instead of it taking an hour to get home from gatwick, it took twice as long, not a happy bunny. Then some other stupid person had a go because the doors on the train weren't opening, "Press the button" came her sigh, despite the fact we fucking were, the driver just hadnt released the doors yet, but it set me off, final straw and I went into a major rant, seriously, why don't people just keep their gobs shut? So, that kinda spoilt the end of the weekend a little which was a shame. And now i'm just soooo tired, and trying to avoid unpacking!