Fucking rugby

Just fucking grrr right now. Wimped out at training, was soaking wet ad covered in mud and i'd just had enough. One of the girls kept trying to fucking up-end me and I was having none of it. She was only fucking doing it because she though it'd be funny to see us go down in the mud whilst she stood there. I told her not to and she got the arse at me, "We all have to go down Aay-mee", with another piping up "It's gonna happen sooner or later," and "It'll happen in a match."

Well I don't fucking care. Going down in matches is fine, you expect it, you're playing for something, you have a mission. When it's pissing down in training, it's not fucking worth it. I'm fucking knackered, this shift pattern at work is doing my head in and I just wasn't in the fucking mood to spend all night in the mud. Call me a wimp, call me a stupid girl, call me whatever, I don't fucking care, I was not in the mood. So I stormed off in tears.

The captain said that she had been really proud of me in every match that I've played in so far and she didn't care what happened at training, because she knew I played my best in the matches. She said I take tackles and show less fear than others. Which seems to contradict what some of the other girls were saying to me earlier, "You need to carry on going, don't always stop." We're meant to be a team, but I don't feel like I'm part of the team, I feel like an outsider, that I'm not cool enough, that I'm not cut out for it. Why do they have to be so mean?

In the 3 or so months that I've been on the team, this is the first time I've genuinely felt like quitting and have felt this low. I havn't generally felt this low in a long time. I dunno. My fish looks sad, poor thing.