All change!

Well we've had two days of crying about it but I think we've reached a decision. And that is that when/IF my parents get their butts in gear and move up north (North Yorks/Richmond area btw as I realise I forgot to answer that question!) then I'll be moving in with Andy. He professed his undying love for me, apologised for being a shit boyfriend because of his situation, and said that he wanted us to really have a chance to be together forever, and as a result he was going to start doing his house up in preparation for my moving in (whenever that be!)

It is all a little scary, his house is crumbling and falling apart at the seams, but how could I resist?! He was so upset. I think all I really wanted was a sure sign from him that he wanted it to work and wanted me in his future. I think I was taking the easy option, in terms of career and job prospects (ie having a chocolate shop or training as a paramedic up north) but in reality I couldnt bear to be apart from him.

So there we have it, when my parents finally decide to move, i'll move in with Andy. Which is scarily exciting.

Not much else to report other than im skiving off training at the moment.

Big decisions to make

Urgh, im getting a bit sick of this job at Zavvi. It's pants really, and i'm getting really really worried about how much time i'm actually going to get off over Christmas. I want the 23rd off for a family do as well as Boxing Day for a family do. And I think i'm just going to say that if they don't give me them off then I quit. It's not the end of the world, the pay in lieu will cover my bills in January (i think). Dunno for sure though. Just a bit annoying really. And they've given me REALLY shitty shifts this week, am not happy at all really. Got to do two 3-11 shifts, what crap! And be up for a 9-5 the day after one of those 3-11's. Grrrr!

In other news, have sold my Chemical Brothers tickets on eBay so that's £150 in the coffers. Have listed my Wii too so if I get what I want for that, it's another £250.

Parents are really seriously considering moving up north, which means we have things to do, start emptying the loft and go and visit the areas they want to move to. And the ideal time for all that is the week between Christmas and New Year, but I wouldn't be entitled to any time off with it being a temp job, so I feel like I want to just quit. Can always ask I guess, who knows. Not sure what i'll do up north, possibly on the job training to be an Ambulance Technician, but don't know yet. I still like the idea of a chocolate shop but definitely not in the place my uncle wanted to set one up.

Had a big conversation with Andy yesterday about stuff, and I said that his situation made it really really difficult for me plan my future, because I really want him to be in my future but he can't really have much of a future with the current situation with his mum. Basically, the gauntlet may have to be thrown down, in that, I'm moving up north with my parents and without him, until he realises that his mum will need 24/7 care and decides whether he wants to be with me in the very long term. Harsh and selfish I know, but that's the way it has to be for now. I cannot afford to rent let alone buy on my own down here, especially when I don't have a guaranteed income or real idea of what I actually want to do for the rest of my life. It's all a bit of a mess. It'll be shit being that far away from him but until he gets his life sorted out, it might have to be that way.

It's a long one

Yuh, have been really really crap lately eh?!

Ok so despite wimping out at training, I managed to play in the match for 70 minutes - the longest so far, and with relatively little pain in my shins. Really enjoyed it actually but my neck really hurt the next day from driving in the scrums. Got some really good encouragement and nice comments from some of the mens team who came to support. Lots said I looked like I'd been playing for years and that I made me opposite number look like a mouse - however she was half my size, come the weekend when we play Hastings I won't be so good! We lost sadly but that was only because they had borrowed a player from another team who just sprinted down the pitch faster than anyone could catch her - bitch. So they didn't really win through rugby, they just won through a shit hot runner from another team. Booo!

Work is still boring, havn't been paid yet so credit card(s) are maxed out again, not good. Part of the reason they're maxed again is because I authorised one that I'd been keeping for 'emergencies', went into work and discovered that we had Wii's in stock. So I bought two, one to keep and one to flog, which I need to do really although the estimates given to me by the boys at work as to how much I could flog it for seem to be a little out according to current eBay listings - bum.

Was really ill before the weekend with an upset stomach, don't want to be frank but it was horrible quite frankly and didn't stop for about 48 hours, immodium to the rescue, until that wore off before work this morning! No idea what caused it, at first though it might have been a dodgy Maccy D's that I'd had for lunch on Wednesday but mum thinks I might have picked something up from someone at work, customer, dirty money etc so she's making me keep antiseptic hand gel in my bag.

Went to see Bill Bailey on Friday night, which was really really good. We missed the first 5 minutes however as the traffic was a nightmare, we stupidly decided that as it was pissing it down we'd drive instead of take the tube, which was a really bad idea. Anyway, the rest of the show that we saw was really good, but it's sort of like when you go and see a film, and you try to remember the best bit, but you can't and it's really frustrating so I'm going to find out when the DVD's released.

And speaking of concerts, my Chemical Brothers tickets still havn't arrived and the gig is now less than a fortnight away. Am getting really concerned because I don't really want to go anymore, so want to put them on eBay too for a bit of extra cash, could probably get double what I paid for them, but I don't want to have to faff around with the whole postage and them not reaching someone in time. Might ask at work, see if anyone wants them, or knows anyone who wants them, for the right price however....!

And I think that's about it.

Fucking rugby

Just fucking grrr right now. Wimped out at training, was soaking wet ad covered in mud and i'd just had enough. One of the girls kept trying to fucking up-end me and I was having none of it. She was only fucking doing it because she though it'd be funny to see us go down in the mud whilst she stood there. I told her not to and she got the arse at me, "We all have to go down Aay-mee", with another piping up "It's gonna happen sooner or later," and "It'll happen in a match."

Well I don't fucking care. Going down in matches is fine, you expect it, you're playing for something, you have a mission. When it's pissing down in training, it's not fucking worth it. I'm fucking knackered, this shift pattern at work is doing my head in and I just wasn't in the fucking mood to spend all night in the mud. Call me a wimp, call me a stupid girl, call me whatever, I don't fucking care, I was not in the mood. So I stormed off in tears.

The captain said that she had been really proud of me in every match that I've played in so far and she didn't care what happened at training, because she knew I played my best in the matches. She said I take tackles and show less fear than others. Which seems to contradict what some of the other girls were saying to me earlier, "You need to carry on going, don't always stop." We're meant to be a team, but I don't feel like I'm part of the team, I feel like an outsider, that I'm not cool enough, that I'm not cut out for it. Why do they have to be so mean?

In the 3 or so months that I've been on the team, this is the first time I've genuinely felt like quitting and have felt this low. I havn't generally felt this low in a long time. I dunno. My fish looks sad, poor thing.

I've been working like a dog....

Ah dear, been busy busy this week. Started at Zavvi on Monday, going well so far, although I did feel like shit on Monday but I think that's just due to the fact that I'm not used to working yet, I've been sitting on my arse for 3 months!! Not looking forward to tomorrow, Saturday shoppers, oh dear!!!

Am watching Hard Day's Night which was the first of my staff discount purchases along with the Anton Corbijn DVD (video director), which doesn't look too good but it adds to my directors DVD collection. Gosh, the noise of those girls screaming at the Beatles, it's just nuts. Working at Zavvi is rather dangerous though, I keep seeing things I really want, Family Guy seasons 1-6 for £75 for example, or the Blackadder boxset, or Mary Poppins and the Jungle book (which I'm going to buy Andy for Christmas - what a big kid!)

Nothing else has happened lately really, just working. Parents lent me the money for my missed loan payment so that's sorted but I feel very guilty. Am a bit fed up of being skint, back at £2450 on my credit card, which is shite, I would've bought a Wii today had I had £180 on it, arse!

Money makes the world go round... unfortunately

For fucks sake, how desperate for money must Northern Rock be if they have to call me at 8.30 on a Saturday morning to ask for a £30 charge, that in my sleep fuelled haze, I tried to pay with an empty bank account. That's just stupid, why not call people at a sensible time so they can answer the call efficiently?! Wankers.

I'm so brassic right now. I'm so fucking annoyed at myself for not trying harder to get a job. Why why why why didn't I just sign on 3 months ago? Technically I've had a job for the last 3 weeks, but they've just taken their sweet time in getting everyone started. And why did I go away at the weekend? I couldn't really afford that, and it might have meant that I started at Zavvi/Virgin 2 weeks ago. And now my mum wants to go through my accounts with me so I (and she) knows what I've got going in and coming out each month. At this rate I feel like I'm gonna have to sell the car, go back to pay as you go mobile and become a nun!

And I can't really get annoyed at him, but he does sit on his arse quite a lot, I bought Andy new trainers and clothes to go away with, and now it's me that really needs new trainers for work and I can't afford them. Something needs to happen with his situation because the amount they're expected to live on is shameful. Jesus, this just all makes me feel very very depressed.

If you read all this, have a gold star

So, wonderful Amsterdam. Am on a real holiday comedown. Just really do not want to be back, want to still be in the massive Executive Suite we got upgraded to, watching crappy MTV shows and laughing at Dutch accents (sorry, I can't help it) Flight out was perfect, and getting upgraded was totally the icing on the cake! Can't actually remember what we did on Friday, went to the Winston for a burger and a drink, then back to the hotel for a big smoke and I think that was it!!

Saturday got up and went to Barney's Uptown for breakfast which was yummy! Went for a walk around the Noordermarkt because I wanted to see if we could find a cine camera but had no luck. Went on the Woonboot Museum (My Dutch spelling is awful by the way, in English Woonboot = Houseboat) which was interesting, Andy blatantly trying to chat up the girl behind the counter (So, do you live on a houseboat?) Like he gave a shit, he hates the idea of a houseboat!

Then we went to a museum called Electric Ladyland, the first museum of fluorescent art. It was crazy, run by this ageing hippy, and I mean hippy, American with a real Jimi Hendrix obsession, I've never met anyone like him before. So anyway, this place was crazy, with inspiration from Hinduism and stuff, I took some photos but I'm not sure how good they are! Half the 'museum' (for museum read, shop basement) looked like LSD puke and the other half was all rock and other fluro stuff from back in the day, was actually really really interesting, and he takes you down there privately, so it was just me and Andy in this basement with the hippy, wish we'd been stoned, I would've stayed all day! But it was good, I genuinely felt like I'd learnt something, and it was cool just to meet a real hippy-type! He kept saying stuff like, that's trippy shit man!

Then Saturday night we had tickets to the annual Museumnacht, where 40 odd museums in the city open between 7pm and 2am and put on special displays and tours and stuff, plus free transport throughout the city, which we took advantage of, getting on the metro instead of walking 300 metres! So we queued to get into the Artis Zoo which was kinda cool I guess, seeing the lions in the dark was the best bit. Then we went to Hortus Botanicus, which Andy loved being a tree hugger. Then we went for dinner at Cafe Bern, yummy yummy fondue! We headed to the Filmmuseum on the outskirts of the Vondelpark as you could get married for one night, but there was a massive queue and you had to dress up and it was all slightly naff looking so we left and Andy dubbed us man and wife in front of a rather stinky pond - how romantic!

Back to the hotel for more smokage and sexage. Watched the Descent as well which was kinda scary and whilst flicking saw the video for a track by a Swedish artist called Trentemoller, the song's called "Moan", you have to go watch the video on YouTube, it's based on the story of Laika, and I can't help but cry everytime I see it. I just feel so sad and hear the words, "Laika died within a few hours of stress and overheating" in my head, it just makes me feel so so sad, like I know, science and all that bullshit, but poor little doggy. The lyrics fit so perfectly with what you can only imagine Laika might have been thinking, (Yes, I have a Laika obsession.)

Sunday was our two year anniversary type thing so we ordered breakfast to be delivered to our room but when Andy answered the door he decided the tray was too big for him to manage and asked the fella to put it on the bed, where I was naked, thanks Andy, so I had to pull the duvet up to my nose and lie very still! But that was yummy, seemingly Dutch people eat bread with chocolate spread and chocolate sprinkles, like, what the hell?! Anyway, we lazed around and had breakfast then got ready and headed back to the zoo as we could get free entry to one of the museums participating in Museumnacht, so we did that, which was kinda fun. I gave Andy the space pen which I decided to just get engraved with "AF loves AH". My anniversary present was a stuffed elephant from the zoo, which is so soft and snuggly.

Went to the Hard Rock Cafe for dinner, which I'm wondering whether it will turn into a yearly occurance as we went to the Hard Rock in London for our anniversary last year. We decided that when/if (though mostly when) we get married, we'll stay in the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, then spend a fortnight in an apartment in Amsterdam, then a week on a beach. Dreams.

Then yesterday we got up and checked out and were strolling round the town when this siren started going off, it freaked the shit out of me. Everyone else was just being really normal and ignoring it, but sirens and alarms really freak me out for some reason, sense of impending doom I think, even if I know it's just a test. So anyway, it turns out that on the first Monday of every month at 12noon the Netherlands tests all it's sirens. Wish we'd known! Anyway, after that little episode, we got the tram to the Heineken Experience only to discover that it's closed for refurbishment until next May - bastards. So we just got the vlaamse frites with fritesaus and chilled on a canal boat for the rest of the day.

Flight back was a bit bumpy which I didn't like much. Then got shouted at by some rude foreign bloke at the airport for taking a few seconds extra at the ticket machine trying to get the cheapest and correct tickets - fucking impatient twat. Then we got on the wrong train.... 3 times! So instead of it taking an hour to get home from gatwick, it took twice as long, not a happy bunny. Then some other stupid person had a go because the doors on the train weren't opening, "Press the button" came her sigh, despite the fact we fucking were, the driver just hadnt released the doors yet, but it set me off, final straw and I went into a major rant, seriously, why don't people just keep their gobs shut? So, that kinda spoilt the end of the weekend a little which was a shame. And now i'm just soooo tired, and trying to avoid unpacking!

So much to do!

Ugh so much happening. I need to go get in the shower really but it feels like far too much effort right now!

Party on Saturday was fine, think everyone enjoyed themselves so that was good. Cakes looked awesome, will upload some of my photos later.

Rugby yesterday was okay. We drew 12-12. I was a bit disappointed coz I only got to play for less than 10 minutes at the end and I was really wound up and wanted to show the other team who was boss but didnt get a chance. Shins are killing me, can barely walk again.

Got my induction at Virgin tonight which will be fun, need to copy my passport and remember my P45.

Been looking at Amsterdam stuff since yesterday, trying to decide where we want to go this time, I feel so scared that we're not going to be able to do everything we want again. Have found out that this Saturday is the annual Museumnacht which is where 42 of the cities museums open after hours and there's lots of special events and music and stuff which should be fun. So I think we're going to pick 3 or 4 of them to go to, plus there's a free museum boat which goes right the way round the city, which I bet is really pretty after dark, so will be worth it for that! Am also looking at insurance, I don't think Andy believes in it and because we booked our flights and hotel seperately I'd forgotten about it as Expedia usually just adds it on. Best deal I can find at the minute is Insureandgo's Gold cover which is £11.26 each, which is still cheaper than the Expedia one. Will need to call Andy and discuss this.

Gonna head into Bromley shortly I think, although, not 100% sure I can be bothered, was going to go and get him a present for our anniversary but I'm a bit stuck. Have got a metal pen from some website he showed me, there's no ink, i guess the metal just leaves a trail on paper, so I was going to get that engraved, but it's not as interesting as I thought it might be, so I'm thinking that one of those space pens might be better. We're going Bluewater on Wednesday so I might just see if I can get it there. Plus he has the receipt for the underwear I bought and need to swap as it went in the bag with his jeans. Rah, am rambling now!

Sweatshirt Vs Hoodie

Okay tell me to shut up because I'm being stupid, but I had a text from my captain earlier to tell me that I wasn't allowed a team hoodie as I havn't played enough matches and will have to settle with a sweatshirt. Fair enough. I suppose.

BUT, there was a unamimous vote, on whether people wanted hoodies or sweatshirts, and hoodies won that vote, obviously, so why even order naff sweatshirts.
I look stupid in sweatshirts.
They're a bit dated and 80's.
I pay my subs like everyone else so why should I get second rate kit.
It doesn't promote a unified team feeling or image and it's just going to make half the team feel like the B team!
I have a sneaking suspicion that they'll be old ones that have been sitting in the kit cupboard.

Like yes, I'm probably being childish but it just really pissed me off earlier. I'm all about hoodies, I so wanted a team hoodie because I could probably get away with wearing it out. I don't want a poxy sweatshirt. So I text the captain straight back and asked if I could pay for a hoodie, which I personally don't think I should have to seeing as I pay my subs. She just said she'd find out for me. Grrrrr.

Amsterdam

In just over a week. Oh yes! It's gonna be so romantic, can't wait!

Ha, I have freckles!

Well Saturday night I wasn't too well... I threw up in the middle of the night so hard that I brought myself out in red dots. My instant panicked reaction was to shout, "Oh my god, I've got meningitis!" Thankfully I havn't just a quick scout of Wikipedia proved that it's a petechial rash caused by coughing and vomitting too hard. Nice. Went to the doctors yesterday and she prescribed me penicilin, however, I took said penicilin this morning on an empty stomach and it made a re-appearance 2 hours later. I'm rarely sick and I've now been sick 3 times in as many days. I don't like it!

Got the job in Virgin so that's good. Have got my induction next Monday evening. Have had to chase the previous company for my P45 though, scumbags, so hopefully that will arrive before the weekend.

The cake stand I ordered for my Grandmum's birthday party arrived yesterday. It's huge, but is going to look really good once all the cupcakes are made and arranged on it. Am getting a bit excited really but have got two training sessions to get through before our big match on Sunday which I'm not looking forward to. Havn't done anything in about 3 weeks now since I got signed off with shin splints so that's going to be fun tomorrow.

I hate being ill

Have come down with a skanky cold and I feel rotten. Missing training again tonight, cannot face running around in the cold, I feel so achey already! Going to make myself go swimming tomorrow instead (hmm wonder if they're doing aquarobics tomorrow!?) and then training on Sunday for definite. I need to, we've got a hard game on the 28th and whilst it's a home game, i think the team are hard as nails. Eeek.

Have gone into party planner mode and am overseeing the planning of a 75th birthday party from my grandmother next saturday. This includes pricing trips to Makro and Fete and Fayre which was fun and looking at silly party bag stuff on the internet. It also means bidding furiously on a cake stand as we've decided we want to make 75 cupcakes instead of a birthday cake - why!?

Think I've pretty much got a temp job with Virgin til January, just gotta pass the group interview on Friday evening but think that's just a formality and I've done one before so should be fine - just gotta have my lairy hat on!

Anyway, I'm going to go and generally mope around for the rest of the evening.

Pink Elephant Ball

Well lastnight was nice, until about 1am when me and Andy had a blazing row in the car. Was horrible, I think we were both just a bit too tired and drunk and it just all got a bit silly. But it was a nice evening, we just needed to compromise on what each of us wanted from the evening. Whereas he wanted to get hideously drunk and play blackjack and poker all night, I wanted to have a few drinks, be merry and spend time being a good looking couple with him. I couldn't take my eyes off him at times, he looked so good in his suit and I just wanted to be with him all night. Nevermind, hopefully we've learnt our lessons for next year, mine will be to wear a slightly shorter dress, whilst the dress looked gorgeous, it was a tad too big and I kept treading on it!

I tried to add images but it didn't work sadly, I'll try and add some a little later on.

Sick songs

Does anyone have an album or song, that when they listen to it, they're instantly transported somewhere else, a different time or place, somewhere you've been before and the music reminds you of that place?

Well I just put the Hot Chip album on and instantly I'm back to about a year ago, commuting to Docklands, sitting on the tube from Morden after staying at Andy's the night. The same stuff also reminds me of walking through wet leaves to the bus stop and sitting on stuffy, wet buses to Lewisham. It's odd.

It makes me feel ever so slightly sick actually, but that just might be the cold toast and marmite I ate earlier.

Am I a bad person?!

I paid £o.oo for the new Radiohead album, should I be ashamed of myself? I only did it coz the BBC website said you could enter £o.oo and it would work. Well it did, and now I'm wondering if I should have paid for it. I'm not a huge fan like some, sure I like their music, but I wouldn't chose to listen to it on a good day! And surely this is the debate Radiohead wanted to raise in the whole, Pay what you want thing. What do you reckon?

Im getting bored of calling them 'Entry No ..."

I tried some looks out for the rugby ball on Saturday. Tried a quiffy hairband look, a pinned back at the sides look and a down and jhuzzjy look. Tried eyeliner top only, then eyeliner top and bottom. As for the lips, well its clear I won't be wearing lipstick, too vampy and at the end of the day, all the other girls are mostly rugby players, and I don't want to be to OTT. Plus, I'll only smudge it and get my hair stuck to it. So yes, see what you think!

Entry No 3

Went into Kingston with Andy today to hire his suit. Although, actually we hired the suit from a little shop in New Malden. Hopefully once he has it all on together with shoes and contacts and a hair cut he'll look really dapper. I splashed out on a satin clutch bag. Think im pretty much ready for it on Saturday now. Will probably have a run through either tomorrow or Friday.

Had my haircut lastnight and I don't like it already! It's mainly because I can't style it myself. Have bought mousse and hairspray and big velcro curlers because I intend to try and create some kind of beehive type look for the ball. Fingers crossed it works!

The hairdresser suggested that I try shops in Bromley for Christmas Temp jobs to earn some money whilst I decide what to do with my life. She said her boyfriend has just started working in Virgin and I was like, "I used to work in Virgin." So after she'd finished my hair I called them up and spoke to the deputy manager, asked if they were looking for temps and he said yes, they were going to have a recruitment day. Told him that I used to work in Virgin and he changed tack and said, Well in that case, if you come in and ask for myself, Andy, or Shaun/Sean/Shawn (who knows I was on the phone!) the manager, then they'd have a look at my CV and have a chat with me.

So, fingers fucking crossed everyone because, as hectic and shitty as it can be, I would love to work in Virgin again! I've done a Christmas there before and it was fine - the worst part is the sales and the refunds! It's when everyone decides to bring back all the CD's they bought in the last year and have decided they don't want anymore and try the old, "My-Gran/Aunt/Mum/Little Sister-bought-it-for-me-and-I-couldn't-bear-to-ask-for-the-receipt- as-I-didn't-want-to-hurt-their-feelings," bollocks. But we'll see what happens, don't want to get too excited about it.

Parents are going to Durham tonight as my dad is going to see Ken Dodd (snore) with my uncle. I personally think that going to see Bill Bailey at the end of the month trumps Ken Dodd but dad's having none of it!

Entry No 2

Well my new double glazed windows were meant to be in yesterday, they've been sitting in my dad's workshop for 2 years and finally they're being installed. However for some reason or another i came home at 5pm lastnight to find a big hole in my room where the windows should be! Im not sure what took them so long, but by the time i got back from training i had windows, a big hole where some bricks fell out and a dust sheet for curtains! Oh, and this isnt some dodgy firm doing it, it's my dad and our builder! And the dust sheet smelt!

Have been 'playing' rugby now for about 2 months with Old Dunstonian's Ladies. Training lastnight was rubbish, couldnt do a thing because my shins hurt so much. Have been advised by the coach to go see the club physio girl tonight to get her opinion on it all. Part of me wants to be signed off for three weeks, but the other half of me feels really bad like im letting the team down. I enjoy playing once im into it and i'd hate to have to start missing matches because of it.

Got treated to a rousing rendition of, "Who ate all the pies?" whilst walking the dog in the park. Was on the phone to my good friend Vicky at the time and I think she was a little shocked, she lives in a little village in Scotland and says everyone are snobs. Sadly, I live in South London, and everyone are chavs. C'est la vie.

Entry No 1

Well, I'm giving this a shot yet again. I need a proper blog, and seeing as I'm unlikely to be renewing my IAM account, this will become my new home. Somewhere for people to keep abreast of my life if they so wish. It's a straightforward blog, there's nothing more to say, it's written by me, and the views are my own, feel free to shoot me down, but expect me to go off in a sulk. I wish this were more interesting but I need to go put the kettle on.